Bereft, lost without Wolf. It happened so quickly - feeling shocked and distraught. He stayed warm for hours, I almost believed he was still with us, his soul energy not wanting to leave his body? Did I do wrong? I can’t but help ask the question as we always do. We always go over the difficult and painful times and ask oursleves ‘what more could I have done? differently? Did I make the right decision? What will that mean? Can I trust myself? Am I a good person? At least, if you have a conscience you will.
There are a great many people who don’t seem to care about the repercussions of their actions and can be indescriminate with their destructive habits and choices. I’m thankful I am not one of them, but the burden of my humanity weighs heavily today. Partly because I miss him so much and partly through my reframing of the past and the actions I took in it.
We are taught to notice loss, what’s missing, to focus on the lack or the perceived ‘need’, to want what we don’t have, to displace or postpone our happiness until a criteria has been fulfilled, to see the negative before the positive; these all spring from the survival instincts but manifest as ways we stop oursleves living in the present moment and have been used by those that would exploit them and us for ever! Self-hatred is so common, often that hatred gets acted out on others, is used to punish ourselves or as a weapon of manipulation, or as a way to make ourselves momentarily feel better than another. And when we see others as ‘not ourselves’ we can detach emotionally and treat them as objects rather than fellow beings just like us.
A very sad day full of disappointments and contradictions, hypocrisies and disconnects. How do we bridge that I wonder?
Extremely stiff, achy and sore today so I massaged my legs for a while to get at the really bad bits, but it seems I’ve just ‘seized up’. Because I have a long trip tomorrow I’ll just have to suffer until I can get someone else to have a go at them for me! Travelling doesn’t do me any favours these days, and the two hour round trip the other day probably didn’t help either. It could also be a symptom of internalising the emotional pain.