Woke sad and anxious as I often do. Pain of loss as it was yesterday coming to the surface. Very sad. Heart last night was racing and jumping and is now as I write this but not as much, although possibly because I just tried to call the chinese takeaway as we had our mains dishes cooked in chicken’s fat last night. Very disappointing indeed. Did it have any connection to the fact I’d asked for some ‘cooked chicken’ for my poorly cat? Seems a coincidence as we’ve never had this issue before now at that place. What a shame! So cried a little and then just got on with today. Sunny day. But taking it very easy indeed. Still lots to do! Having coffee outside and will do some thinking/not thinking! No dreams from last night that I can recall.
Got out into the sun with my coffee and noticed that the oat milk had ‘split’; which made me a bit sad, and that the wind had knocked four tiny tomatoes I’d just picked, the first of the crop, onto the floor: four small tomatoes rolled onto the concrete, and I felt sad. so small and insignificant in this huge world, my small tomatoes and small coffee and I cried, felt a deep pain of loss.
Sitting with my legs crossed on the lounger I relaxed back so my face was right in the sun. My palms upturned on my knees, I breathed deep into my centre, lower dantien, tanden, hara, and exhaled ‘haaa’ to start to move the energy of the pain of the past. The sun shone directly into my third eye, it felt good. I raised my hands above my head and felt the warmth and power of the sun raining down on me like a shower of golden light. I saw a spiral of light and called it Helios because it had been made by the sun! The spiral gave way to warmth and I placed my hands together at my solar plexus/heart chakras. We are of course in August, Leo, sun month and this felt a good way to release the sense of loss to the elements and the earth.
I continued focusing on my breath and felt a strong sense of my diaphragm moving and my body shifting downwards as I relaxed. I felt like I was relaxing into myself. Hearing the birds flying about me, my attention went to the space around me, the wind, the insects, the birds and far off a dog barking. All the time the sun was hot and comfortable, restful even, holding me in it’s embrace.
I was brought back by a cockerel saying hello! He obviously wanted my attention.
I felt much better after this short meditative ritual.
When I got up I noticed a flower had blossomed- it was a red nasturtium I had forgetten I’d planted in the rockery and it had come out for me today! This I took as a gift from my garden, but I had more challenges to face too, as there was trouble brewing on a group I admin. So often this happens as a test of some sort, testing my ability to keep calm and loving, fair and objective, and helpful as well. It happens so often I can almost predict when the issues will crop up and anticipate having to deal with the ‘outerness’ of my inner struggles and lessons.
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